When Enough Becomes Too Much

I am slightly (ok, I am trying to maintain it to stay slightly) agitated, unnerved and tired. I breathed through the disappointment of my daughter’s flight being delayed for hours and hours last night. Her with a six-year-old, six hours at the airport trying herself to remain calm.

“It will be ok”, I kept telling her. “We will figure it out.”

She finally decided to be vouchered to fly on Friday. My grandson had another meltdown, and the airline still did not promise the flight would be departing any time soon. (it got cancelled)

I handled that disappointment well, in my mind. I did not grow frustrated and offered techniques for her to use to maintain a sense of calm also. I was saddened but I`d rather be sad and them safe.

My agitation began yesterday afternoon and seemed to snowball as the day went on. I kept breathing through each mishap, envisioning positivity eluding calmness. I was letting go of those things that are not of my control. Reflecting the happiness, I was feeling in anticipation of my daughter and grandson`s arrival.

Why is it in those blissful moments the energy suckers come hurling at you in every direction? Why? Hadn`t I be exuding positivity and kindness and being the best me possible?

I went shopping as to get it out of the way and not have to take time away with my daughter to complete. I let cars out or in through traffic. I smiled large and greeted people. It wasn`t forced emotions or gratitude I shared. The emotions were pure, and they were honest.

I checked on a friend who had gone silent. I did not let my imagination fill me with dread when I received no response. I called after and left a voice message inquiring how she was. Then I let it go.

I was exhausted, in pain from the shopping and hauling. I thought I would settle down and take a nap. Nope that is when those energy zapping goblins came a calling.

The first delay in my daughter’s flight. The not so nice text from the friend I checked on. Accusing me of abandoning her when she was in need a week prior. (???!!!) What the actual……... ok some misunderstanding has taken place, I told myself.

My answer ticked her off, I could tell. If I ask you twice what is up and you tell me nothing, I am sorry, but I am not getting out of bed to run over for nothing. Had she said I need you I`d had went. Was that selfish of me? That was not my response verbatim. I was much more tactful.

She doesn`t read my stuff, or she does incognito. Either way, it is my truth, and I do not look to shame but understand what I am doing wrong?

This morning a long text explaining her feelings. I soak them in and gently reply that yes, I love you and I do care. She doesn`t share what is going on or her emotions that much. I enquire but I do not know how to pull info from her if she does not share it. I respect her privacy and the fact she is older. I am not a mind reader. Don`t expect me to know you need me or my assistance if you say oh nothing. I do not have the time or energy to play 20 questions. I am sorry but I do not.

Yes, I have a lot on my plate. Yes, I have my own health issues. I still make time as much as I can for others. To help when and where I can. I participate and do not withdraw, even though at times I wish I could run away from life itself.

My eyes sting with tears. I am tired. So so tired. Not just physically but emotionally.

I need the stress release of tears to remove my pain. They are flowing as I write., washing away the hurt of feeling that no matter what I do it is never enough. Someone somewhere will find fault with what I do or say or didn`t do or should have said. It is exhausting and I have had my fill.

I will get through this. I will rise once again and soldier on.

For now, I just want to cry, because I am tired…………….

✨Be the Light