A Journal Entry

3-11-25

A very busy day taking care of the necessary. I am trying to share something every day. The problem is with Bill`s health in steady decline and he is home under my care, it has been difficult to concentrate on exactly what to share.

I have the drive to see this journey through and I have those days where creating comes easier than others. Some days, to be honest, I am so consumed with his care or mine with appointments and household tasks that are required that my focus isn`t what it should be to OSJ.

Here I am, I said from the onset that I would share my creations and journal my journey.

The journey my brother walks now is between life today, this very moment and death which can come at any time.

I don`t ask questions of him anymore. I let him decide what he feels he wants to share. He struggles to want to hold on to control of the smallest details of his daily life. I watch or gently nudge but do not, cannot demand from him to hand over his dignity to be or feel less than he must, given his condition.

It isn`t easy for my nurturing nature. I find that I want to do more for him than he would like. I too have graciously become the student in his lesson of dying. For I would want the same dignity to die my way, holding strong till the end.

To see the suffering he has but his want to sit and visit with granny today and to be a part of as much of - now, that he can. The fluid builds in his legs from CHF. The grumble in the sound of his voice tells me his lungs are filling too.

“I know when it`s time”, he says. (I know he`ll hold out as long as possible before going back to the hospital)

The DNR and DNI, now hang from the side of the refrigerator to hand to paramedics when they arrive. A new step closer of his acceptance that death is near.

I ran to town to pick up his meds and another errand needing completion. I hurry home as quickly as I can so not to leave his side long. That`s the hardest part for me. The needing to escape even for an hour but the want to be by his side. Both emotions simultaneously. It isn`t guilt for needing to do what must be done. It is natural emotion to want to run from the experience of seeing, watching a loved one die a little more each day. It is also natural to want to hold his hand and be by his side when he goes. Each emotion different held within the same moment.

These are my thoughts. They fill most days. I jump on and off the internet in between meal prep and household chores. I might even sneak a much need nap in. I try and be chipper in our conversations. I listen more to what he shares, what he puts emphasis on, and what legacy he will leave.

He thanks me endlessly and I used to tell him he did not need to do so each and every day, I let him. I except his way of saying I appreciate you sis. I absorb it and rub his shoulder or back and give a soft your welcome.

I am so proud of the man he is and turned out to be. The child born to parents told to institutionalize him, has lived a life to be proud of. He overcame so much in his 59 years. Raised four girls on his own. A man who knew the heartache of burying a child, who fought to continue on for his other children. The man who stepped in as a father figure to my girls, where their father`s lacked.

Stubborn to the bone, yet that is the drive that has kept him alive. His Dr stated again to him that he was a miracle, given all his issues. That he is one tough, tough individual.

That concludes my share for the day. I hope to not be depressing but to share openly with you all. There is light in this journal entrance. To have the memories of our time and how even at our darkest moments the light of love can see us through. In the end it all that matters.

✨Be the Light

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Thank You, Debbie