A Catastrophic Blessing

Catastrophe or blessing
how does one choose
the reaction erupting
when given the news

Impulse wants to cry 
as logic seeks the odds
I dare ask the question
He replies in a nod

Your signature is needed 
to participate in this Study
we suspect a form of cancer
please read, then give an answer

Tests, tests...tests
a procedure or two
if you fail to pass
diagnosis, is made plain to you

Just a month ago, I wrote
if I had my choice to die
I`d rather my body give way
than loose memories in my mind

My prayer has been answered
Not quite in the way I thought
Yet when one receives grace
Catastrophizing a blessing, is for naught

"So let me tell you again that I love you
let me feel the warmth of your embrace
but if dying means that I must leave you
Then I must...
             trust the hands of God`s grace"

in app generated

The poem above is new all except the last stanza is from a previous song I wrote called “Let Me”. I found it fitting for this piece.

Yes, if you're wondering, this happened this past week. A doctor visit led to me being asked to participate in a study. The choice was mine one way or the other.

What through me for a loop, is how I was told what “They” suspect. The doctor led me to the room where I read over the consent needed to be a participant.

“You are being asked to participate in a research study because you were either recently diagnosed with cancer and have not yet received treatment for this cancer, or you are experiencing signs, symptoms and/or findings that your doctor believes require further evaluation to determine if they may be related to cancer.”

I stopped and reread that paragraph again trying to absorb what I thought it meant. Looking right at Doug (the guy from the study) I asked him directly:

“Am I being asked to participate in this study because the doctor suspects I have cancer?”

His answer as he returned the direct look- “Yes”

My eyes teared for a brief second before returning to the document in my hand. I finished reading everything this study would entail and gave my consent. If knowledge can be gained and help someone in the future, then so be it.

That has consumed my thoughts since Tuesday.

I have yet to fill some family in. Not knowing if it is best to wait for the confirmation of what they suspect, I teeter on what is the right thing to do.

Do I worry people unnecessarily for a suspected issue or lean on them to help see me through my own confusion and yes, fear?

Then there`s the questions, I know will come, because when confronted with such news people are bound to ask. It`s human nature. To say nothing may seem uncaring, to ask questions rude. What some see as a catastrophe another may see a blessing in disguise.

I`d much rather my body shut down then loose myself in dementia. I stated that fact a month ago. Who am I to complain on receiving an answer to a prayer just because it didn`t come wrapped the way I thought it should.

I am neither angry nor sad. I am numb yet focused to tie up loose ends wherever I see them now. Plan B for Billy and I will be implemented straightforwardly, instead of the wait and see attitude we were taking. To have him settled back north by spring, will allow me to focus on my treatment plan.

God bless him, he doesn`t want to leave me alone. 💞 His sentiment means a lot, yet I can easier focus on my care if I am alone than worry about his care too.

I have some procedures coming up and am hoping to have a full diagnosis by the new year. You will know when I know, I promise you that.

I`m ok, just writing my truth of my day to day. I`ve wrestled with a few thoughts on what I am willing to allow as far as treatments. Not all bad news is worth crying over. Sometimes you just push through and seek the rainbow at the end of the storm.

✨Be the Light