Yearning to Be... Free

Free: The definition according to Oxford Languages

1. Not under the control or in the power of another; able to act or be as one wishes.

2. not or no longer confined or imprisoned

I`ve given this concept a lot of thought lately and maybe not for the reasons one might think. I am not writing about the state of our country and what freedom is in today`s world. Yes, it has meaning but that is not the perspective I am emoting from. At least that is not my intent. It is not what drives my emotions my yearning.

If I am to address that issue at all, it would be to say, as a female I have less rights today than I was born with, and this administration looks to strip what is left that our gender has fought long and hard for. Equality.

The freedom I speak of I fear to express. Why? I fear it will be misunderstood and labeled as depression or selfishness.

When I was a young girl I couldn`t wait to leave home and direct my own life. One where I wasn`t just trying to survive. I wanted the freedom to be, the ability to do as I wished, if I wished. Not forced, not guilted, not ashamed and surely not damned.

I fought to free my mind from the weight of who I was told I was. I fought against who I was expected to be because of who I was told I was. The stereotypes of being a young mother, a high school dropout and single twice divorced woman working in a predominantly male aluminum factory.

Constantly I conformed myself to fit what others needed me to be. I guess yes, I had the freedom to do such. I could have chosen then to think of no one other than myself and left responsibility to somebody else. So, in retrospect maybe this fight is within me.

What has me yearning now to be free is a fight that began in my thirties. When I first took ill. I fought to stay alive for my children; I fought for a diagnosis as to what took me from being able bodied to disabled. I fought for purpose, to others and to myself. Those struggles, those fights were what kept me moving forward in life. I fought depression and despair.

Six years ago, I bought Paradise, my current home. For the first three years I was what is considered as a snowbird. Six months here in the south and six months in my home up north of thirty-one years. I eased into the transition that I wanted to jump into, because there were people who still needed me. It wasn`t easy to say to those people, it`s my turn and what is left of my life, is mine. Said not to hurt nor forget them, but to release them and myself of obligations felt because of familiarity and of love.

That fourth year when I sold my home, I felt finally free to explore my wants, needs and desires and to live for myself. It didn`t last not even two full months when the call came. This feeling, hard to explain and I would not want uttered to him. I tried, in my own way not to hurt but discourage my brother from wanting and needing me to be there for him in the way I knew he needed. But how could I refuse his insistence he knew he`d be safe and cared for. And have the ability to live with myself afterwards. I was upfront and honest. I told him how sick I was. All he could see was what I showed, have always showed to everyone. I was tough and still going.

He has fought his whole life to belong, to fit in, to feel loved. I knew how he felt about himself from our conversations. How he felt others were ashamed of him for who he was. Because of a condition he was born with that identified and labeled him his whole life. How could I undo a role I accepted voluntarily in our childhood, as his advocate, his protector and his lifelong friend who always had his back. I can`t and I won`t no matter how sick I am myself, take that away from him.

We have come through life together him and I. We have an older brother we love dearly and our children and grandchildren. Yet him and I have been side by side the whole of my existence. My shame, wanting my ending differently.

My body is growing weaker and weaker each day. I hide as much as I can. From him, from my friends and from myself. The freedom I yearn for; the perspective I write from; that has me in tears when nobody can see, is the ability to give in to my condition and yet I dare not. I want so much to curl up and sleep until I cannot sleep no more. I want to be able to say out loud; No, I am not ok. My body aches so bad I want to scream and I`d love to take something to numb that pain to send me into another hemisphere or delirium but I cannot. I might be needed; I am constantly on call. It would be irresponsible, selfish and not what a good sister/friend does.

I don`t want to fight so hard to wake each day; to get up and fulfill the duties and obligations that lay ahead. I know it sounds terrible. How dare I speak of such things.

It isn`t him. (He is not the only one calling upon me to be of service to them) God knows he is fighting to hold onto life himself, and I do all I can to aide in that. I almost lost him 3x since he`s been with me the last 21 months. I will help him fight for more, which keeps me fighting for myself too.

I`m not afraid of my death for I feel it inching closer and closer. I fear dying before him and leaving him alone. That is why I fight my yearning to let go and give into my own experience of dying.

There are things I want to do I can`t and I don`t know if I’ll have the strength to do when he is gone. I selfishly pray to outlast him, not by much, six months to own my last days for myself.

So, I write into the abyss. My way of honoring my own emotions. My control of what is left of the dreamer, the artist and soul yearning to be free of the weight that this life, of what this journey has been.

My writing is my escape. To hide my feelings and emotions from the page out of fear of what another may think or say, would be one more freedom, I deny myself of.

And sadly, that would be the end of One Soul`s Journey.

(I am editing to add this- the above comment is meant to inject that if I were to deny myself this freedom of expressing my inner most emotions that I would end OSJ- It is not my intent to do so now.) My apologies if that is the way it is taken.

✨Be the Light

✨I would like to wish all those who celebrate a very joyous Easter. To all who do not a Sunday filled with peace and love of those who are dear to your hearts. 💞