When Something Doesn`t Feel Right

With all the noise about the billionaire feud one would think that is the subject of my post. It is not; it very well could be. Those two are publicly duking it out over cyberspace or it is all just static to distract from the Democracy crushing legislation they are trying to sneak past our noses. Either way today I have more important things on my mind.

More important you may question? Yes, not that the above does not matter or isn`t going to affect us all, but this is something under my immediate control and attention.

Bill (my brother) fell again last night, if you have read last night’s article you already are aware of it. We had emergency come and evaluate him and he chose not to be transported to a hospital. He did ok last night.

This morning, I took him to his heart and vascular doctor. There they did an ultrasound on his legs where they did surgery Monday to increase the blood flow to his feet. Both procedures were done as an outpatient in the doctor’s office. They said they would call if they saw any blood clots.

Last year he suffered mini strokes (TIA) after his second surgery. (one on each leg) Monday`s surgery was again his second one a week apart from each other.

Bill cannot undergo anesthesia because his lungs will not support such. He does not want to be kept alive on a respirator. That paperwork is signed and recorded.

I don`t blame him for that decision. When he lost his daughter 11 years ago, he sat beside her bedside and saw her hooked up to all kinds of machines for over 40 days. Her chest still open covered in skin type film; on a heart, lung bypass machine. He knows if they put him on a respirator there will be no coming off.

I have kept an extra eye on him. Meaning I won`t leave him alone not even to run to the corner store. Something doesn`t feel right to me. His appetite is poor and he hasn`t wanted to be awake very long today. Except from 4 this morning until after his appointment. That means from 10 ish on he`s slept. Waking long enough to use the restroom and eat a sandwich, then straight back to bed. He didn`t even attempt a cigarette.

I know and so doesn`t he that smoking isn`t going to help him. But I will not spend what life he has left fighting over something he has done for dang near 50 years. The damage is done, and it is something he still enjoys when he feels he can handle it. When he first got here 22 months ago, he was smoking 3 packs a day. He is under a pack a day and never in the house or vehicle. Outside only. I personally regret not giving my mother the Pepsi she asked for before she died because the doctors said no. Bill granted her that and bless his heart for doing so.

My gut tells me something isn`t right. I heard him try to make a appointment with his primary ahead of the next scheduled one. They are too booked up. That alone, that he wanted to see the doctor, tells me he doesn`t feel quite right.

I am out in the living room, and I think I`ll spend the night out here until I think things have gotten back to normal. I am literally ten seconds from his door if he needs me.

This may be all too much for this platform. Here I am typing the minutest idiosyncrasies of our day. How interesting could such a subject be? Especially with all the turmoil and uncertainties in the world. Yet he is my world. My piece that is under my care. How can I not be consumed by it and him.

Isn`t that what we all seek in life. Happiness, health and wellbeing with those that share our abode or our community, towns and cities. Then to let that expand across the country and world. A world of peace and sustainability for all. Not just those with money and entitlement to the best health care, dictating what scraps we ne`er-do-wells get.

Yet I know, I am fortunate to have these times. The angst filled afternoons wondering if today will be his last. I have him beside me. Grateful, yes but still wanting however long he has to be good moments, happy moments, peaceful moments.

Many do not have their loved ones near to fret over. They are either called off to war or estranged or worse yet ripped from their families by overzealous bigoted thugs, carrying out the disgusting doctrine of those who look to control us all.

There are many who just want someone to care about them. To be seen, to be loved or at the very least shown compassion. Is it that hard, really? To stop and take a brief moment to aide another? Hold a door, shake a hand or acknowledge another human’s existence.

You know as I sit here and think back through the years. I have always, always come away feeling better inside, wiping the sweat from my brow from helping someone than placing a few bucks in the plate at church.

That sweat equity did more for cleansing my soul and clearing my conscious than tithing. It was worth more than what could be counted in ledgers. It was connection pure and simple and worth more to those that needed help. Help isn`t about handouts it`s about helping out. Helping others feel dignity within their worth.

I have helped others throughout my life. (if I had the financial means) Other times I gave opportunity for someone to earn what we collectively knew they could not pay back. (if I could find a job, they had the skill set for that I could not do and would need to hire someone anyways) That way debt nor resentment nor pride get in the way. Dignity to keep their pride maybe that`s what I`m trying to express. My mind tires.

He is still asleep. I haven`t accomplished much today other than my vigil of his needs. I can`t shake this feeling that this weekend isn`t going to go well and I pray this feeling goes away.

Notice someone today that you would normally overlook. Not because you were being cruel; just busy and self-absorbed. Notice them with a smile or gesture of hello. Hold that door, let a car in ahead or person in line. Do something kind for a complete stranger. ✨Be the Light someone needs today 💖