What`s Next ? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have just returned home from my admission to the local hospital. I want to thank everyone for keeping me in their thought and prayers and for all the well wishes.

I can`t shake the emotional feelings I am having. There`s just too much going through my mind all at once.

What do I say and to whom with all these feelings? My rational mind says one thing, my heart another, and my own internal emotions a third. We are all having a pow wow right now and are in disagreement.

In a flash through my mind I think of Joe Nichols` article he wrote with all the different characters gathering around the kitchen table. If you read this Joe know that I actually smiled thinking about who has causally sat their arse in the living room with me right now. Helping me write while wanting to lose my mind.

Decisions, what are the right ones? Who to consult, who to bounce them off of? If they were just about me, I already know what I want to do with what`s left of my life. But they aren`t just about me.

Two hours have passed since I wrote the above.

I walked away and called my big brother. I cried and dumped all my emotions on him. Not to fix (We`ve always called him Mr. Fix It) To just let me spew what I needed to. Even the hot seat wasn`t going to help me through my emotions. But he did just by being on the other end of the phone. When you read this bro, know and yes, I know that you know already, duh. That I love you immensely and I needed that. Just like you did when I was crying about Santa not bringing me anything because I broke Ol` Ma Mae`s sugar bowl.

Granny came and stayed with Bill while I was in the hospital, bless her. Bill has been weak and had a spell this morning before I got home. More than likely he is going through some fear for not only me but himself too.

I have calmed down. Had my good cry yet now it`s time to pull up my big girl britches and get on getting on.

I need to get my appointments made with Cardiology and my Neurologist. But I`m thinking of finding a new neurologist. Not that he isn`t a great doctor but I want a few things.

• A neurologist willing to work with my other doctors about my care

• A neurologist who knows or specializes in autonomic system dysfunction especially now that my heart is involved.

• A cardiologist knowledgeable about the systematic vulnerability of a patient with my complex issues.

Over a year ago I mentioned to my cardiologist, the fact that I was diagnosed with autonomic nervous system dysfunction. Told nothing to worry about but I went for second opinion. Don`t get me wrong I really like my cardiologist but went just for peace of mind. Of course, he ran me through a stress test and echo, and I got an all clear. Neither heard me or I didn`t get my concerns expressed correctly.

Is it wrong to want a specialist that recognizes the body as a whole component and not just their specialty??!! Both gave me assurance the autonomic issue wasn`t a concern. Until it is right? Guess what it is and, in my opinion, should have been at least charted and cautiously watched for.

Angry yes, going to sue, for heaven’s sake no, it`s just disappointing is all. I wish I would have insisted more attention was paid to the whole of me, and I wish I would have pushed for that in my own care.

Life is fleeting and when it comes down to the brass tax. Love and the moments we get to show that love, compassion and care for another is fundamental. It is the foundation for all other experiences.

My scared inner child wasn`t hiding anymore. She was beside me and together we reached out instead of running away from some hard truths needing to be faced.

Hey Joe, the rest of the gang caught laryngitis once hope and love chimed in. 🤣😂 Doubt wants to say one last thing but is forbidden to speak at the moment, least I cut out his tongue.

The emotional upheaval may come again but for now I`m ok.

Thank you to all of you, for accompanying me along my journey. Hopefully the path smooths and is not so turbulent.

✨Be the Light