Unconditional Love
The story I am going to tell you some may not believe but that doesn`t negate the truth of it for me and how it has impacted my life.
I was still working I believe because I was still sleeping in my room. When I took sick, I had begun sleeping in the living room in my recliner. I have been in a reclining chair ever since because I cannot lay flat.
I cannot remember the time of year of this very profound occurrence. I do know it was during my divorce and my therapy and after the incident that led to the song I wrote “Make Me Strong”, which you can listen to and read the lyrics here on One Soul`s Journey.
It was a very troubling time for me for I felt unloved and unlovable. I couldn`t understand what was wrong with me that I could not obtain love. Yes, I had my girls and intellectually knew they loved me for I was their mother. Yet to have that person in your life that truly loved me for me.
I had married my second husband at 26 and we already had a child together and I also had my oldest daughter from my previous marriage. (Married him at 16) I met my second husband at 19. Three months after we were married my husband beat me so bad I missed 3 weeks of work. It took another year before I put him out of the home, I had purchased the year before we married.
I also had begun therapy while we were married for the abuse I suffered as a child. He (my husband) thought that one secession of counseling was sufficient and could not understand the effects of reliving said trauma had on me emotionally. Let alone his alcoholism and drug addiction and the fact I was the only one paying the bills and working plus the responsibility of raising the girls and housework all lay at my feet. He had threatened to shoot me and then himself and I was petrified of him. The man I loved. The man I wanted to heal from my trauma so I could be more for him. I was told by him that no one would ever love me, and he found fault in everything I did. I was unworthy of love, and I felt that deep into my core.
I was deeply depressed and to be honest, I didn`t know if I loved myself enough to hang on. The only thing that kept me going at that time in my life was my love for my girls and not wanting them to feel I didn`t love them enough to hang on to the thread of life I clung to.
Now this is where the story continues. I can`t say I was dreaming but I know I wasn`t awake. What I guess I am trying to convey is I do not remember anything before what I am about to share.
This warmth came over me and I was standing somewhere unfamiliar to me when a glow so brilliant approached me. I fell to my knees, for I instantly knew I was in the presence of God. That is when God reached out and touched the left side of my face. I only saw his glowing hand and part of his robe, everything else about this source of love was shining so bright it was blinding. In that very instant that his hand touched my face I was filled with the most wonderful unimaginable feeling of unconditional love that I had never experienced up to that point nor to this day. I sobbed tears of longing to be with that love and woke with my hand upon the side of my face where I had held onto his hand in my dream. Was it a dream? A vision? A visit from God Almighty himself?
I choose to believe the latter for it is when I am troubled that I close my eyes and go back in my mind to that moment. I try to feel that love again, to remember how encompassing it was. I long for that feeling again and am brought to tears each and every time I rest in that memory. I am in tears as I type this to share with you.
Why me? Why not me. I was searching to be loved, to feel loved, to be worthy of love and that source of LOVE came to me.
It was in sharing “Make Me Strong” here on One Soul`s Journey, all these years later that it occurred to me that God gave me the gift of strength in that moment. That unbelievable unexplainable beautiful gift has given me the will to live, to love as deeply and selflessly as I can so that when my time comes to leave this realm, I will once again return to him and bask in the glory of his Love.
✨Be the Light 💖
We have much in common, including a visit to heaven. Thank you for sharing your heart.