Today
01-10-2025
It`s almost ten thirty am as I sit with my coffee wondering what to post today. Do I share an old poem or journal entry, or do I conjure up something new?
I`ve read through only half of my “following feed” and find myself needing to turn away from the political news of the day until later or maybe I`ll ignore it all together. Not only do I find it depressing, but it also gets me angry, frustrated and well sometimes sets the tone for the day.
I`m not saying I will become an uninformed member of society but damn it I need a break. I cannot allow what I cannot stop to be my everyday every moment line of thought for whatever time my brain still functions in a cohesive manner.
My brother, who lives with me, has just woken from his morning nap. His days begin anytime from 2 am on. He does his morning routine and sometimes returns to his bed and non-invasive ventilator several times before I awake. Often times, most honestly, he`ll fix himself breakfast so as to not require that of me when I get up.
This morning, I had awoken at 4 am after sleeping in the living room for warmth. It is mighty cold here this morning with the temp of 36 degrees Fahrenheit. That is a chilly morning in the south where we live. A place I chose to escape the northern winters from where I was born and raised.
As I write I also think about what I might prepare for dinner (our noon hour meal). I think about what`s quick and handy while cussing myself out for not removing meat prior from the chest freezer.
The days seem to run together one into the next having us both checking to see if either has a doctor’s appointment to attend. That has become our punch clock now from one work week to the other. How many appointments if any and the best day to shop for our food supplies. I`m not stating the above in disgust because we are here and able to still do so and are thankful for that. It has just become our routine from week to week and month to month.
My brother will celebrate 17 months with me here in Paradice (my name for our abode) from up north where we both used to live. I had arrived first, testing the waters, so to speak, to see if I would enjoy the warmer climate and the busier atmosphere. After five years of splitting my time from home up north to here, I purchased a small trailer. I got a super great deal! Then two years ago I sold my place up north and made the south my permanent place of residence. Within six months my brother relocated to live out his days with me.
It`s now 12:15, and I am just now settling back into my spot with a blanket doubled for warmth placed across my lap to finish this posting. In my absence I made a quick dinner of soup and grilled cheese for my brother and myself. I know one wouldn`t think that it would take so long, especially given that the rinsed dishes sit in the sink for later. 🫣🤷🏼♀️Anyhow, I had an epiphany while prepare our dinner (might be why I burnt one side of the grilled cheese) that maybe I could hook my headphone set up to my phone and talk to notes while I`m doing the necessities of daily life. That way I don`t forget half of what I was thinking before getting back to the keyboards.
“Genius” I say out loud with a smile and a chuckle.
Then right on cue that little Gollum of doubt makes its appearance. Making me question my abilities at figuring out the logistics of it all. Well, let me tell you I banished that little SOB right out of the house today!
I laugh again at the imagery conjured within my mind to push me past my fear. Then within an instant, thoughts of my mother appear to remind me, the doctor said she was suffering from some dementia before her death.
Yes, at times she thought the neighbor was crawling in her window to steal from her. Only problem was she found the misplaced item later that day or the next. Often times she would point out figures within the paneling that were the coverings of her walls. We can thank the trend of the 1970`s for that. I`d tell her that our minds were wired to try and make sense of the designs in the grains of wood. Afraid to admit she had me seeing it too. The knots as eyes the waves of motion the walls seemed to contain. If it wouldn`t have cost us a small fortune to rid the house of these ghosts that haunted her, we would have in a moment.
Ok, Debbie let’s get back on track for today`s article. Or maybe that is today`s article. The wondering that takes place from one thought to another. How one phrase can bring out another whole line of thinking and the pondering of how it relates to the main subject matter.
That is my brain and how it processes each day out of focus. I used to have 20/20 vision being able to focus intensely on any given task all the while multitasking with preplanned breaks from one to the other. Not anymore, and at times when I`m aware that I had forgotten something (like the faucet on just before the full sink spills to the floor) it fills me with fear. How long before I forget everything and walk in the fog between the now and the then?
I was so happy a week ago (was a week, maybe I should check for accuracy, does it matter?). That was the internal dialogue as I typed that very sentence. Am I a fool for sharing, documenting my decline for all to see? Will it be used to confine me before I am ready to confine myself to some type of assisted living facility?
Selfishly I hope my brothers struggle to hang on to life has come to its end before my complete loss is something else, he must bear. For now, I live for the moment, (I`m laughing as I tease myself) those moments I can consistently string together to form a whole day without drifting back and forth wondering where the day went.
Finally, I will end with a triumph. A project that would have only taken hours in the past, took me two and a half days to complete. I had confused the two types of locking mechanisms (short and longer) and couldn`t figure out why it wasn`t going together. A good night’s sleep and re-examination helped me figure it out.
As always ✨Be the Light
