To Matter

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to matter. To be more than a mass of flesh and bones taking up space, I wanted to have value. I wanted “to matter”. I wanted to make a difference. Below is one of my first two publications I shared on One Soul`s Journey. Dec. 03-2024. *I have altered the stanza but not the wording from my first share*

To Make a Difference

To make a difference in this life, is my goal my aim

Not for glory or money, not prestige or fame

Then what must I be seeking

Is that the question in your eyes

What I desire most of all

In this world does not lie

I am not a victim

It`s not your pity I search for

But truth in the spoken word

So, I`ll be safe and secure

Why is life a race

A winner to a game

Why must we hurt one another

Have we no shame

To make a difference in this life

If only for awhile

Is to know you`ll remember me

And when you do, you smile

---

When I was younger to matter was to feel included, to be a part of something. I was the quiet child. Locked within my own torment not knowing how to be like all the rest. I was spat upon and victimized by those I sought to matter to. That child felt of no value. The last chosen on a team but the first to feel the sting of the dodge ball to the head.

As a teenager I wanted to and tried to fit in, but I never did. By the time I reached 15 I was on my own supporting myself. Considering myself an adult I had myself emancipated legally by becoming a wife at 16. How ironic was that. I went from under my parent’s control to that of my husbands, yet in my mind I thought I found freedom. Looking back, I felt that I mattered to someone; that someone found me, saw me…loved me. He, my first… and I thought… he my only for the rest of time.

My how time has flown. “To Matter” has changed in definition throughout my life within the concepts of my heart, mind and soul.

I had to learn to matter to myself outside of conforming my being to be what I thought someone else required of me. To be the good wife, the dutiful daughter, the good mother seeking to please everyone who asked of me. Of course, I felt invisible for I couldn`t even see myself outside of who I was to someone else.

I read self-help magazines searching for tips on how to be, on how to matter to my family, my husband, my children and community. The only thing lacking in those self-help books was help to and for “self”. I questioned- Who I was, and did I matter? Below my very first publication to this platform. 12-03-2024 👇🏼

Who Am I

Who am I, can't you see

Am I all I thought I'd be

A reflection of what I believe

A reflection of things done to me

Listen close now, as I list

Some things, that are obvious

I'm a daughter, though dad is gone

A caretaker, to do for Mom

A sister, the baby of the family

The only girl…. oh, lucky me

I'm a mother, who's doubly blessed

Twice divorced though, I must confess

A child of God, who longs to be

At peace with him, for eternity

I'm a writer, who's truth be told

Was afraid at being bold

Who am I, I’m no better than you

But we judge, don’t we…. Isn't that true

I am me; life is my goal

The rest, a journey, of my soul

---

I am still a caretaker but now for my brother who lives with me. Mom has passed some 19 years this September. I was still yearning back then to make a difference somehow in some way. I mattered, yes to those around me, but not to myself… not yet. I had yet to heal and had not fully immersed myself into depth of emotional baggage I carried.

I prayed and asked God to let me enjoy the little things in life. To allow me pleasure in the company of others instead of the feeling I carried of not belonging. The freedom from feeling as if it didn`t matter if I lived or died.

Then in my early thirties I became very ill. My illness taught me a lot. The pure joy of breathing, of walking and of just living. That period of my illness gave me the opportunity to heal from the past and to become more than I thought. The journey to self-love did not happen overnight. I felt unloved when I had all my abilities, and at first felt it cruel to have prayed and then stricken with illness. Below is the poem of my emotional state at the time. One I also shared in my early days of publication here.

Shadow

I am just a shadow

Of whom I used to be

Can no longer walk

Run or be free

I must depend on others

It`s hard at times, you know

To feel less than

And not let it show

I laugh away the pain

Pray to calm my fears

Thank God for what I have

Yet I cannot stop the tears

I live in the darkness

Afraid others will see

That I am just a shadow

Of whom I used to be

---

I had tried so hard to matter to somebody else, for somebody else, that I forgot to matter to me. I conformed in each and every relationship thinking of their needs other than my own. Unbeknownst to me then, God had answered me but not in the way that I envisioned.

Waking to see the morning sun and breathing in the air I filled the once empty space with gratitude. The joy of just being. With the help of a cognitive therapist, who also happened to be an ex-nun (a sign from the universe was my take) I began to heal.

My illness brought me something else too. I now had the time with my children I would not have if I was working. Illness forced me to see the important aspects of life. Though I worried about finances, I managed to raise my girls in the same home for 31 years. Our bills were paid, and we may not have had extra, but we had plenty and that alone was a blessing in this journey. My illness became my blessing.

I am still learning and evolving spiritually and emotionally. I find it easier to shake off the despair that lurks to seep in. I no longer allow it to take up residence. It takes longer for my ire to surface and when it does, I put that in check quickly. I search within myself for the source of my trigger. Am I still harboring beliefs instilled from decades long past?

Now nearing the sixth decade of life I am more at peace with myself than I ever have been. I have found my self-worth. No longer do I except from others what I would not except for others. I have learned to value myself, my thoughts and my heart for the love and light I have to offer.

If my words, songs and poems have offered someone else to feel seen, heard and valued then I have accomplished my purpose…. finding how to give and receive love.

✨Be the Light