The Waiting Has Begun

Waiting to take action. Waiting to know what to feel and when to feel. I am neither of so many emotions at the moment. I am waiting in a void of unknowing. The space between what is and what may be.

I have busied myself with all the necessaries. Laundry, dishes, showering and cleaning. Looking for the minute to accomplish or looking to distract myself with interactions with friends who have been supportive during this period of waiting.

I have spoken to God, the universe and family that have already passed in prayer and in the quiet space of my mind. A calmness washes over me. I look to know and to feel that everything is as it should be and will be. As he waits in spirit, I wait, will he let go or will he hang on to life?

I find myself wondering aimlessly from memories of our youth and time together; to the future of what it may look like when/if my brother leaves the ICU unit at the hospital and comes home.

Will he be able to be left while I attend appointments or shop for groceries? Will he need care with bathing, dressing and such? So many unanswered questions as we wait. I`ve asked but like me the doctors must wait also. Wait to see if his body can once again overcome this. Can he buy more time?

There`s a part of me that wants to run as far and as fast to an unknown place in time and space that removes me from everything so I wouldn`t have to feel or deal with the overwhelming realities of now. Yet I stay put and stand against the want to unburden my heart and soul of the tears and grief of what either outcome holds.

We rubbed his feet (Granny on one side, me on the other) and his legs as we spoke encouraging words to him in the hospital. Helped him open his juice and peppered his scrambled eggs. It felt good to see him crack a smile.

Seven, the total mechanical machines I counted hooked to my brother in one form or another. All encircling in a crescent shape around the head and off to the side of his bed. He has more than an IV, a PICC line too, I believe for administration of medications.

For the first time in all his hospital stays, he shared with me privately he may not make it out this time. He is tough and stubborn, yet the reality of his condition he is feeling like never before.

As much as I want him to come home, I don`t want him to suffer, yet it isn`t up to me, it his between him, his spirit and our creator.

So, for now, we wait…. 😔

✨Be the Light 💕