The Muddy Season

I landed in the north country, the place I was born and raised late Saturday night. My flight delayed because of mechanical issues due to something flying into the propeller. We ended up having a replacement plane fly in to bring us to our destination. That in it's self made for a long travel day, adding four hours to the trip.

I was hoping for at least fifty degree weather but good old mother nature decided I needed to remember just how cold “home” could be in the spring. Bless her sense of humor. Needless to say, I caught a head cold.

I am currently dressed in layers snuggling under a fleece blanket. My daughter’s house quiet in the absence of everyone routinely attending to their schedule of work and school. A good day to catch up with reading and rest. Saturday is another travel day and I can't wait to head home and see my brother.

He has done well with friends checking in on him. His nurse will make her second visit this week, keeping an extra eye on things. I've missed him and our routine. Funny how you long for a break and when that break comes you find yourself after a few days looking forward to the normalcy of what you wanted escape from.

Twenty months since my brother first came to live with me. His health so poor even then we thought he'd only have six months. So much has happened since he's been with me. His depression lessened to just a few outbursts and those were when he was highly stressed and frightened. We have bonded even more than we have already done.

He likes to tease me about how warm it is there at home while I am here freezing. Had I forgotten? In some ways yes.

The brutal cold of winter lasts so long here that April springs hope. The snow has mostly melted away except for the larger piles. The muddy season, we have always given reference to April. Life ready to bloom slowly making its way through the thawing ground.

I have not driven in a spring snow storm in years. I was white knuckling the drive the other evening. Here I was with no hat, no gloves, not even a winter coat nor boots to keep me warm had I slid off the road and in need of help. Most north country drivers always prepared ( at least I used to) for the long winter months. It's no wonder I caught cold.

My oldest daughter is a hairstylist as I've mentioned before. I see how busy her day is. Waking at five am preparing the children who catch their bus at six-thirty each morning. Waking her husband and seeing him off to work then leaving for work by eight thirty herself. Then to return home in the evening and have dinner, homework checks and housekeeping all the while waiting for nine pm so that maybe just maybe she can carve a few moments of peace for herself.

I have missed this child of mine. A grown woman now in her fourth decade of life. We managed an hour alone yesterday her and I. Caregiving is hard, I told her, especially when you're dealing with dementia. When that time comes for me, I don't want her to feel duty bound nor add to her busy and full life. Nor do I want to be friction within her marriage and a source of resentment building between expectations and visions they had for themselves. We had a much needed conversation about my options when I can no longer care for myself.

How it seems like yesterday she was a baby placed into my arms. My labor of love. I am in the fall of my life, she late spring going into summer. What a beautiful soul she is. She assured me, caring for me in my last season of life is her excuse to slow down and take the time to do what she really wants to do. Care for me like I did for her and her sister. “We'll figure it out, she says. But you're coming home and I will take care of you.”

I think, well I am always thinking, overthinking, rethinking- being a caregiver myself and the stress and struggle I feel at times has made me aware of the job my care will be. So I want not to have my girls feel guilty or obligated to my care. Besides I also need to free myself of guilt, at the burden I may become. Speaking honestly about the process isn't being negative, it's about being in the moment of life. That moment nobody wants to talk about and assumes or allows the process to play itself out.

I can make plans for my care, freeing them of worry, if that is better for all. She wants this for me and for her.

I didn't want to for my brother but when given his other options excepted and placed my life on hold to care for him, out of love not obligation. It is a good feeling to know that the love I have given, is coming to love and care for me. Willingly.

Peace, love and light I wish to you……

✨Be the Light ❤️