Staying in Control

journal entry

The morning, thick with fog and heavy with moisture, unfolds before me. I sip my morning brew as thoughts meander in.

A contradiction of emotions fills my being. I`m exhausted yet I push to fill each day with purpose.

I want so badly to give in and let disease end the torment of everyday, but instead I fight to hold it all together.

I want to scream, “I give up, I’ve had enough, I can’t do this anymore!” Yet, instead of screaming, I numb myself and detach from the urges to purge my despair.

It`s not the “why me”. It`s the “how”.

How do I depend on somebody else to be there? Who is that somebody? I can`t lose control of the control I have because there isn`t anyone available, dependable or trustworthy to release my wellbeing to fully.

Yes, I have trustworthy people in my life that are dependable but are not in a position to relinquish availability on the scale I will need them to be.

I feel lost and alone. So, I meticulously plan every possible detail I can to hold onto my independence. For what becomes of me if I am not vigilant? How do I do this, alone?

He, the last man I gave my heart to, has once again tested to see if my boundaries are firmly planted or can he use this period in my life too, to his advantage. In disguise as help, or in a proclamation of still caring, he tests my resolve.

I can`t and won`t let him drain my energy. As much as I wish his intentions to be true, I know they are not. And at this stage of my life, I am not up for nor seek the challenge of the game he seeks to play. I just so happen to be in the vicinity of where he will be for the next six months and his need is to look good in front of our mutual friends here. He has a pattern, and it is predictable in his unreliability.

Bill is looking forward to going back north. I hope his health holds out and allows him to make it back there. He misses his grandchildren and talks about what he will do when he arrives “home”.

I`m thankful that he is making this transition easy on me as to not cause me any stress. As much as I will hate to see him leave, it is necessary in order for me to tend to my needs now. That is when I can fully explore the decisions I will need to make about my care.

There isn`t the doctoring in our small town up north that there is here. I would have to burden my daughter to travel hours to specialists and such. Here I am within a ten-mile radius of everything I need. So, my return up north will be when the benefit of doctoring has reached its end.

Bill has just returned from an outing with a buddy this morning that left me time alone to write and be with my thoughts.

This week and next I have appointments almost every day. That grows old and tiresome quickly. The last thing I want is to spend every day at some facility or another.

The holidays are upon us and the bright spot in all of this is our brother is coming for a short visit. It will be nice since it’s been a little over two years since we were all together.

Well, I guess that is it for now. I`d like to work on a painting or two in my down time. Lately, down time has been consistent with napping. 😉

✨Be the Light