Shadow
I am just a shadow Of whom I used to be Can no longer walk Run or be free I must depend on others It`s hard at times, you know To feel less than And not let it show I laugh away the pain Pray to calm my fears Thank God for what I have Yet I cannot stop the tears I live in the darkness Afraid others will see That I am just a shadow Of whom I used to be
So many years have passed since the creation of the above poem. I am able to walk now, some days better than others, yet the sentiment of those days linger still. Learning to except my limitations has not been easy.
I feared the looks, the stares and the questions. My good days were awesome physically but harder mentally, especially before I was given a diagnosis. Because it was those days, I allowed myself to think; that I`d get better, that I`d return to work, that I could be normal again.
It took 9 years of doctoring from one specialist to another before my answer came. By that time, I had become clinically depressed. When that day arrived, I wanted to go back to every damn doctor who said that; I wasn`t trying hard enough, that it was anxiety, that it was all in my head, and give them a piece of my mind! I had even taken myself to a shrink and asked her to fix my brain so that I could go back to work!
It was that cognitive therapist who helped me from the depression, she`s the one who told me and the insurance company that my issues were physical not mental. That yes, I was depressed but that depression stemmed from the lack of answers to my health issues and my financial worries of supporting my children alone. She saw me through the darkness. I still think of her every now and then and wish she hadn`t moved before I received my diagnosis. I would have loved to have had the opportunity to share that with her.
A year ago, I got a complimentary disease to contend with. I laughed and said of course. I have Atypical Parkison’s. An umbrella term for the conditions which fall underneath it`s definition.
I`m at peace with my situation and have wonderful doctors who I have had that end of life talk with. They`ve told me that it`s quality not quantity now and I`m ok with it. I have been blessed in so many ways.
I was able to support my girls, raise them to adulthood and see the birth of grandchildren. Life is a journey my friends. Find your inner peace and be the light in someone’s darkness!