Obstacles to Overcome

medical update and choices to make journaling

In app generated picture

It's Thursday morning and I've settled on the loveseat with my laptop while Billy naps. With coffee in one hand, I find myself pecking away at the keys in front of me. It has been a while since I sat down with the intention of creating. I miss that feeling of focused attention at something I found hypnotic and pleasurable.

(Obviously, I was distracted and had to attend to the daily tasks of being a caretaker and life in general because it is now late in the afternoon as I proofread this.)

Today's article is about obstacles and the decisions we make to overcome them. I initially thought this article would be nothing more than a journal entry, yet I can see I am in a playful creative mood.

Maybe this is one way I instinctively adjust to obstacles 🤔?

Maybe my first “go-to” is to throw humor at a situation to ease the sting that I know is coming? Whether that obstacle be something physical or psychological, humor keeps despair quietly waiting to interject doom. Besides where there is humor there is the chance a quick fix is at a hand's grasp. I will add sarcasm as my first defense mechanism in any difficult situation that makes me uncomfortable. My knee-jerk reaction to “lighten up” the situation at hand.

Sometimes obstacles can actually be fun to overcome. A challenge in the quest of life. We are the contestants seeking to overcome known and/or preplanned obstacles of endurance and strength to reach the end course of life, raising our hands in victory. Yeah … go me!! 🏆✌🏼

Yet unlike video games or tests of endurance (Nija warriors) we are not given timed durations nor three lives at which to finish the course of life. Though I've heard some say that we give ourselves off-ramps before we are born into this realm. Three places where we can choose to “check out” or survive an obstacle that appears in our life. Who is to say for sure?

I personally think mental (psychological) obstacles are harder to overcome than physical ones, and I'll give you my reasoning why.

Most physical obstacles are in plain sight. They are visual and can be analyzed visually for solutions. Those solutions are mostly straightforward such as removal of an obstruction (deconstruction) or some type of apparatus to aide in our ability to work around or overcome said obstacle. An inconvenience in life yet manageable when approached analytically for the most practical fix.

Though one cannot discount time and or money from being a hurdle to an obstacle that even hard work and determination can cause, at best, a delay in overcoming said obstacle let alone a complete inability to achievement. Some type of work around might work if availability is offered.

When an obstacle is psychological in nature the complexity of the situation magnifies. There may be an emotional barrier causing us distress or even some type of visceral response we cannot or have yet to understand.

Now the obstacle has obstacles! Holy crap 😮! My emotional self has placed internal hurdles I will need to clear before I can proceed. Of course, now it involves dissecting one’s own psyche to figure out what is the internal obstacle defying us from proceeding. Easy-peasy, right?! Wrong…. and this is where many of us get stuck.

Old wounds we do not want to revisit. Or an innate fear we cannot explain in its origin. I don't know why I'm scared of/to do XYZ, all I know is it frightens me. That kind of paralysis.

Then there is the very obstacle of finality. That what we perceive as an obstacle is actually a finality we do not want to face. A chronic incurable disease that will lead to death being such an obstacle to living one's life as planned or wanted.

A reality we face as humans that does not contain a clear and consistent path for us to follow. We can have similar generalized guidelines we can follow at what is typical of whatever ails us, but the obstacles are individualized based on our personal human factors such as faith, economics, support, metabolic DNA structure and genetics, just to name a few.

I have given a lot of thought to; What if the obstacle that befalls me is one of how well I except the inevitable? Not to give up but also not to fight so hard that I lose the enjoyment of what is right now.

I had my second appointment at the Neuroscience Institute this past Tuesday. I found it to be more informative than the last. The Dr pulled up my MRIs and explained the findings that sent me there to begin with. That alone helped ease my confusion. I needed to hear out loud from the doctor what potentially lies ahead so I can make informed decisions on what to do next.

(I am looking for the wrecking crew to remove the obstacles that lie ahead.)

I am being sent for another round of MRIs. Six months has elapsed and she (the Dr) would like to see if there are any more changes before giving me a definitive answer on whether I am dealing with a form of MS or a form of the Atypical Parkinson's as previously diagnosed. There are some lesions in the spinal cord that where flagged.

Also, I signed a release to any related records from my initial neurologist that could aide in timelines of when things began. I asked direct questions and felt I was given answers equally direct in what obstacles lay in wait for me. Hence the topic of today's article.

I know what I don't want and I know that in itself is a blessing.

Removing the obstacle might just be for me to remove the fear of the unknown. An acceptance that everything has a beginning and an end. To face the fear of … I say I am not afraid to die, and I don't feel I am. Yet, it is in the “letting go” and am I doing it correctly that keeps me up at night. Now isn't that absurd?

Giving up control has never been a strong point in my personality. Once I left home and had some means of self-autonomy, I held on tight.

How does one die correctly? Really what am I striving for?

A peaceful passing surrounded by my children, singing, laughing and telling stories about our lives together.

Before that, Billy settled and cared for near family back home and for myself time with the girls.

So then what obstacles lay in my path of those objectives? A clear diagnosis and prognosis for one. And two- the logistics of when to implement a plan of action.

It will be mid-May before the new MRI series is complete. They have been scheduled to first available openings in my surrounding area.

(so that argument of how medical for all would increase wait time is a bunch of hoopla, IMO-We already wait weeks to months for specialty appointments and don't even get me started on insurance authorization delaying treatment if not outright denying it!)

I am thinking it will be the end of May or beginning of June before I will have the information to make a more accurate decision. Maybe I shouldn't wait. Maybe I should begin to search for suitable housing for the both of us back in our home state and sell this place?

At least there they have programs that would bring in help in the home for Billy, and my girls will be close enough to aide in me in my care. We would both be near our children.

I know Billy and I discussed him moving back and that fell through because alone he couldn't afford to be alone nor care for himself. At least if we go together, we can stay in the same home until he can get into housing for his income level.

All in all, timing is the factor. When to leap? Before summer ends or push it out until next spring? Will I still be walking, able to drive or will he/I still be here next spring?

For now, we wait, hope for tomorrow and thank God for what is right now. 💞🫂

✨Be the Light

PS- Thank you to all who journey along this path with me. 💞🫂✨