Maybe I`m Scared
The year 1987. I was nineteen and already legally separated from my first husband for over a year. (our divorce not finalized until 1992-a do it yourselfer, that I paid for)
My daughter then three and I lived in a trailer. I made payments to my father, who held the bank note and lot rent to the park. It was a two bedroom one and a half bath smaller model, yet it met our needs. And a home for 7,200 I couldn`t complain.
I was employed at the local industrial laundry matt where I had been since I was seventeen. If my memory serves me correctly, I was paid $2.85 an hour working 52 hours a week just to get by. We laundered the local and neighboring hospitals linens along with different nursing homes in the surrounding area.
It was steady work, hot and grueling. The owner, a well-known personality in our small town, was let’s say less friendly with paying us anymore than the law said he had to. Like me, many if not most of us were (single) mothers or older women needing a steady income to feed and house our families.
When I had my interview (2 1/2 yrs prior) with Mr. C (abbr. for anonymity) he asked me what experience I had. That is when I reminded him that I had been his papergirl for two years, never late and always professional. (as one could be at 13-15 years of age) I told him I was now a married mother who has done laundry and wasn`t afraid of work. He then said I was young with nothing other than my paper route to show for work history. I didn`t want to sound as desperate for work as I was so I just came out with the truth. “I can`t get a job without experience and I can`t get experience without a job so somebody needs to give me a break to prove myself.” I stated.
Low and behold I got the job!
Luckly, I lived within a five-minute drive or 15-minute walk from the laundry. That came in handy when the car wouldn`t start or some repair was needed I couldn`t afford.
I had dated a couple of guys since my separation and yes, had a one-night stand. Remember I was nineteen and new to the dating field. After marrying the first and only boy I had ever slept with at sixteen, I was trying a different approach. Now, I didn`t go wild and my conquests were minimal, very minimal.
Anyways, I`m nineteen and had just met the man who would become my second husband. He a handsome man, with strawberry blondish hair. His physique hardened by the construction work he labored at and tanned from hours in the hot sun. Yes siree, a fine specimen, indeed. 😉 I`ll be bunt, the first thing that caught my attention was his backside in a pair of Levis.
“Oh yes”, I exclaimed “I want to get to know who that a** belongs to!” Is what I said to my girlfriend as he walked past us in the local bar.
Needless to say, he had a buddy with him and the four of us went to my friend’s place and played cards until the wee hours of the morning. He didn`t make a move that night but the following weekend I arranged for a sitter and spent it riding the waves of my waterbed. The whole damn weekend. 😎
We soon had been dating several months, and I could feel myself falling for him, yet I was scared. He worked out of state and came home on the weekends. Not every weekend but most. A long-distance relationship before cell phones and video chats to keep us well connected. When long-distance meant high phone bills that left me waiting on calls because I could not afford to call him. That is when I wrote the song below 👇🏼, I now share with you.
Audio allows me to relax the spasms because I`m less self-conscious of myself.
Let me know if you think it`s better off camera or on. I`m going with off but I`d like your feedback.
Lyrics below 👇🏼
Maybe I`m scared Of the way that I`m feeling Maybe I`m scared That something`s just not right You know that I`ve been Cold and uncaring But didn`t you hear me Crying late last night I`ve worked hard To make my living Growing tired With each passing day But there`s a child Who wraps her arms around me Saying that it will be ok She lies awake I can hear her crying Does she think Of the way it used to be She sits alone while others are playing Does she miss her daddy Why do I Feel like I`m dying Torn inside What should I do Hold me close Say you`re not lying My eyes need To see the truth Cause if you don`t Really love me Leave me now Save all the pain Cause if you want To get to know me Love is all we have to gain Cause maybe I`m scared Of the way that I`m feeling Maybe I`m scared That something`s just not right You know that I`ve been Cold and uncaring But didn`t you hear me Crying late last night Late last night (c) 1987 all rights reserved
✨Be the Light✨