Love`s Light

Not wanting to care
yet I do 
Imploding
to escape
to not feel 
the heaviness
that is another day

Would I stay 
and swim within

Where expectations
and needs 
do not need
of me, from me

No worry 
No wonder
No matter
No form

Is there such a place
the soul keeps
loves light

Do I want to fight
for more 
Yes 
but No

Let me fulfill 
purpose
so, my journey 
can end

I`m so, so tired
my fight 
about gone

Weak is my strength
to hang onto will 
to power me through
I only do it 
for Bill

I will do what I must
for as long as I must
but my soul cries out
to THEE 

Lighten my load
free me 
the pain
uncloak my soul 
at my journeys end

Not sympathy
Not pity
that is not my desire

I`m tired
tired 
and my feet
sore

I`m ready
when you are
Lord
to journey 
no more 

I write away my, self-contempt. I own the feelings of - I`ve had enough. I scrawl them across the page in rage at times. It helps me not keep them bottled up within.

When I was in cognitive therapy in my thirties. My therapist informed me that my writing was how I choose to cope. I wasn`t a drinker, nor drug user. Other than pot when I was young. I am glad I didn`t use either to numb or mask my trauma. I am afraid where that may have led me in life. My fear of doing anything wrong kept me away from that.

I choose not to be on pain relieving narcotics or anything mind numbing or altering. At least not yet. Maybe closer to the end.

What is weird is how tired I am yet here I am wide awake.

Do not worry, I am ok. I just need to express what builds and once it`s out in poetry or prose or plea to the almighty, I release and feel better. Then I rest and fight on.

Thanks for being here along my journey. I`m sorry if at times it is dark or heavy. I try to find light and hope before the end of a piece. Or in the summary like this. I have survived a life of trauma and have come too far to give up now.

I allow myself mini melt downs, here and there. Let the steam off the pressure cooker, so to speak.

✨Be the light