Living for Today

Purposely I start the day with gratitude. The sun rising has yet to crest the treetops. The air, cool and crisp. It`s a good day to be alive, to be in the now- then walk in the fear of what may be.

I awoke before dawn and checked to see if my brother was up. His light peering from under the door told me my answer. My first thought was of concern. Was he overdoing, pushing too hard or recklessly not using his walker and such. Then I needed to remind myself, he`s a grown man who is not wanting to be coddled by his sister. Cared for, yes- but independent for his own self-worth. I cannot let my fears of losing him take what he values that is left of him. He has beat back death a while longer.

I picture a warrior after a long battle, beaten and bruised, rising to greet the morning sun with an appreciation of breath once again. A smile crosses my face replacing the initial concern. His journey not yet over has brought us even closer.

We discuss the hard things. On what he hears and interprets and what was said and meant. Together we teach and we learn to listen beyond what we think we hear because our eyes and hearts know and see the truth. I am also learning to look beyond our combined emotional conditioning.

We both, within our own beings have not felt good enough or worthy of love. Him with his learning disabilities, me with my emotional distrust of what “being loved” meant. Something, I`ve carried from my abuse as a child and two failed marriages.

We have found the ability to heal from our trauma. We remind each other that we survived, we forged ahead and through it all we know how to give love and open ourselves up to receive love. Those old mantras/flashbacks of what was once said/done to us can no longer feed our fear of being unworthy, for it must start within.

After breakfast and he is settled, I decided to go for a short walk within our trailer park. As I walk eastwardly toward the rising sun, I appreciate the new day. Softly without thought, I sing my favorite hymn. I was surprised that the neighborhood feral felines, who usually bolt when a person is spotted, stared and sat in place. Even as my path brought me closer to them, they stayed and watched. My ears heard the sweet song of the birds chirping as I began to notice things I generally overlook. I push away thoughts of what needs to be, or should be done, and allow myself to be in the moment. Fully I embrace the right now and the sheer joy of just being.

Bill- 3-1-25

I feared his release from the hospital. What would it mean for him. What could it do to me physically and psychologically to watch him wither further away? Or worse, would I find him again on the floor but this time deceased.

I was hoping he`d be driven home by transport but that was unable to be arrange by insurance. So instead, I went and picked him up and drove him home. We worked together and got him in the house and to his room. My anxiety was on high alert given how sick he`s been. Staying close by in the living room I waited until almost midnight before retreating to my room to rest.

Today feels different and it is funny how all the anxiety I was feeling has gone. I will keep a watchful eye out on him, yet I will not interfere with him living his life to his fullest ability, for I would want the same.

We`ve been blessed with the gift of today and today we shall live. 💞

✨Be the Light