It's Eating at Me

follow up to yesterday's post - Is my Conscience Conscious of my Consciousness

Ever since I posted yesterday’s article, I have had something gnawing at me. As I read through my posting later in the day, I wondered if some might think I was taking a position on abortion. I was not. In fact, that thought was not in my minds processing center when I was writing.

When I wrote I believe life begins with breath, I was not saying until that moment a child in the womb was not considered a life. In my mind and how I was speaking was from when I felt the spirit inhabits the vessel. To then become conscious of their external environment outside the womb.

I do not hold a position of judgement. What I am saying had my abuser impregnated me I do not know if I would have carried to term that child. I thank the heavens I was not placed in that position for I may have ended both lives, mine and the unborn simultaneously.

It is my belief that the choices a person makes with their autonomy is between themself and their conscience, period. Abortion, tattoo, piercings, gender realignment, boob job, plastic surgery of any sort. Their body their choice. Their conscience.

Why let this eat at me? Well because in the world we live in, I did not want anyone to assume that I was speaking from any position on the matter of abortion. But I guess I've now taken that stance openly and it is stated and not assumed.

I was once judgmental of such a topic in my youth. Indoctrinated into an opinion before forming one of my own. Life teaches, opinions change and forcing your will on another is wrong, just wrong.

Having a child young (16) many were the assumptions people made about me. They assumed the kind of mother I'd be, inattentive, poor, abusive and had damned me from the onset. I worked hard at being a mom and changing the way I was reared from how I raised my children.

I gave them permission to feel their emotions, and ways of self-expression to think through them. I wasn't perfect but together we learned to navigate.

They were allowed to question a rule they did not agree upon. Present me with three arguments as to why a rule should be change. And it couldn't be, just because. Or my friend’s mom let them do blah blah blah.

My oldest will be 42 soon and see I am defending that assumption of my mothering to this day. I definitely need to put that baggage society strapped on my back down.

As I am writing this I might as well drop the twice divorced mother of two from different dads’ stereotype too. I am tired of that shame placed on my femineity and self-worth. A burden of assumption that my home and lifestyle was due to their fathers and not to my hard work. Guess what between the two of them I never got (even though ordered) child support. Heck when we were married neither ever contributed financially to the household. Yet I digress.

Another I noticed after reading through my posting was how I seemed to be in the flow and taking the reader along and then boom, drop off and shorten the piece abruptly. 🤔 I've given this some thought too.

I began to wonder if it happens at times because I get interrupted while writing. Do I then become frustrated when those interruptions keep coming and hurriedly try to sum up a piece to get it done.

Another reason may be that when if I am typing along and an interruption happens, I lose my train of thought and instead of closing that days writing I try to get the piece finished instead of waiting another day to do so. 🤔

I just realized I have kind of jumped the subject matter at least three times. 😮😂

Do I blame my condition? No, honestly it is the way my brain has always processed. Not to place the blame on my mother but she was bi-polar or manic depressive or very damn frustrated with life (drs back then).

I learned early to think how she might think about something done or said and had already worked out in my mind how I would respond if she got upset and how I could calm her down if things went sideways. Nature vs nurture? Biology or upbringing, who truly knows? 🤷

So, with all of the above stated, I will close this article. My hope is that I didn't leave anyone with assumptions and yes, I need to stop worry what others think I was thinking and let the work lay where it may.

This is me, and my conscience can now put this gnawing gnat to rest.

✨Be the Light