Internally Speaking
My intent is to break free from the boundaries my body has set for me. These ever-shrinking boundaries that cause not only physical pain but emotional stress too.
Damn it, I won`t have it! I will control my emotions as to control the physical limits my body will be allowed to place upon my being. I convince myself that pain is mind over matter, and I can push through, move and keep on going.
“I got this, look at how long you've stave it off so far”, my inner voice clamors on.
Meditation? No, I can`t get my inner voice to shut up long enough to sit in silence.
“Be still”, I say to myself. “Let me speak to your supervisor”, I demanded in order to silence my inner voice.
“I'm sorry, the higher self is presently reflecting in silence the absurdity of your request. You know dang well that when connecting to the higher self we must be in a state of calm, not chaos. You're welcome to try again later once you release demands and replace them with presence and gratitude for what is and not want, for what may or may not be.”
Ugh, I know this to be true as I exhale exasperatedly. I have sat with my higher-self enough times to have learned this lesson. Yet here I am, once again, begging for relief. What is it that stops me from just transitioning the moment? What keeps me in the nervous system feedback loop? Is it my ego? That part of myself that refuses to except my limitations because of fear; of failure; of ineptness? Am I that superficial? Am I that emotionally starved?
“Alright that is enough and part of the problem!”, my conscience yells loud enough for my inner voice to hear. “Berating oneself does nothing to solve the problem at hand and everything to keep it spiraling in the very loop you seek to escape”. My conscience straightens her glasses and smooths out her hair. “Breathe…. that's it… deep breath in…deep breath out. Now focus, feel… allow…soften with presence”
OK, I admit it did help to calm my vagus nerve to gain parasympathetic control.
I begin to vocalize- “I am a soul, a divine being. I am not the body. My body is the vessel, the instrument at which I experience life. Life, is the challenge I set for my soul to learn; to feel; to experience.”
Why did I sign up for the advance course? I jest to myself internally.
I take another series of breaths slowing my heart rate and focusing my awareness. I let the tears purge the built-up energy of frustration and self-condemnation blocking the flow of inner peace.
“I am a soul first and a body second”, I remind myself again.
Conscience reminds me; my worth is not in my external production but in my internal conduction of love. An internal hug of warmth envelops my being as I swipe away the remnants of my tears.
My shoulders begin to slump in relaxation, and the tension subsides some yet not fully. My neck doesn't have the same strain of pain I was feeling earlier. In somatic awareness I nonjudgmentally sense my body's need to shift positioning to aide in pressure release of my gluteus maximus bunched at the base of my tailbone.
Psychosomatic has been a dismissive term (judgmentally used disparagingly), in my opinion, used by one-to-many doctors to explain away the unprofitable sensation of pain a patient presents with that they lack the ability to sufficiently explain and or want to relieve. They are not in mine or your body and to say that you do not physically feel the pain or that you are making up the pain you are experiencing is bullshit plain and simple.
That would be like saying your body does not contain a soul because they cannot objectively see it; not by cat scan; not by MRI. There is no scientific measure at which they can detect a soul at this time. Yet it is contained within each of us and is felt within ones being the same as the pain upon ones being.
Phantom pain is a real doctor-acknowledged phenomenon (neuropathic sensation) where the brain perceives pain originating from a body part that is no longer physically there. One that is treated by retraining the neurons of the brain to imagine (see) the amputated body part as in mirror therapy.
I can attest to this in my own way because I have had a toothache in teeth, I no longer have. It is not the nerves in my gums because messaging them does nothing. In my mind’s eye, I can actually feel the tooth and felt it odd to experience pain in something that is no longer in my mouth.
Neuropathic pain is caused from nerve pain due to damage or malfunction in the nervous system. Mine is a burning sensation starting at the base of my skull all the down my neck as it spreads to one or both shoulders. The prickly tingling sensation shoots across my chest and my head feels pulled to my chest as if I no longer the strength to hold it upright. My legs ache as I walk, like dragging logs across the floor.
It has been getting progressively worse over the last few months. Fear is my nemeses and that is my biggest challenge. The fear of not being able to care for my brother and myself crowds my mind. The fear of not having a specific timeline of what to look for and when. The fear of being dependent on another for my basic needs. There! I said it out loud, I identified it, now what?
“You alchemize it”, my conscience states. “State affirmations as to neutralize the fear. Do not run from it acknowledge the heaviness of the body and ground yourself in the energy of the soul.”
“I am a soul, first and a body second. I can hold space for both. I am present and I surrender this heaviness to all that is. I rest in his grace and am grateful for all that I am.”
This mantra I recite to myself, awkwardly at first until it spills from my lips like the air that I breathe.
“I am, this moment and, in this moment, I am thankful for all that I am.”
“One moment please, reflection from higher self is incoming, you now have a secure connection. Proceed in peace and rest in spirit. Good night.” my conscience reveals.
Tomorrow morning, I go for another round of MRIs to compare with the last ones done 7 months ago. The ones where lesions were found in my spinal cord that sent me to the Neuroscience Institute to see a neuroimmunologist.
I've waited 30 days for this imaging availability. The “pending” insurance authorization will not get me to cancel tomorrow's appointment. If I forfeit my slot, it could take another 4 to 6 weeks before I can arrange the scans. I am not willing to wait any longer. I spent time on the phone between the imaging site and my insurance company today trying to get clarification.
If deemed medically necessary, my health plan representative states, they should pay for the imaging without incident. So, I am confident enough in the medically necessity of this procedure to keep my scheduled spot.
I'll keep you all posted on any information I become aware of. It's time for jammies and chocolate milk.
Good night, all and remember…
✨Be the Light
"...the unprofitable sensation of pain..." Great insight and so true.
Prayers and hugs for you friend 💕💖