I`m Still Dancing

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It has been six days since I last made a posting. This is the longest span I have gone since I began publishing. It has been a combination of reasons as to why.

Bill, my brother, still has pneumonia and we went for another round of x-rays. We are waiting for results seeing as they were done Sat., we don`t expect to hear anything much before Monday morning.

I have had a severe sore throat since Wednesday evening. My ears ache and it feels as if I burnt the whole inside of my throat and back of tongue. I also began physical therapy again to help increase my endurance and strength.

The week began good yet by mid-week veered into one issue or another. I visited with two of my friends. One who`s cancer has metastasized to her brain and another who will begin chemo and/or radiation for her breast cancer.

My friend of 43 years is teetering between hope and grief at the prospect of losing her daughter to illness. This same girl lived with me and my girls for six months, when she was sixteen while her mother settled in Tennessee. I have been spending time by phone holding a safe place for her to express the pain she is going through.

My last publication hit me hard. I needed to sit with myself and the feelings the post left me with. I wanted to own them so they wouldn`t own me. The recent news cycle touched on many of those same emotions my latest article left within myself.

I have begun feeling a shift within myself, a little bit ago. A shift more to my center or core. That part that I kept safe, or I kept safe within that space. How can I make that make sense? I guess that`s the beauty of it. I don`t know if I can make it make sense to you, but I know that I know it make sense to me.

Damn riddles. A paradox of thought. The rabbit hole of - “what the heck is she saying!?” I`ll do my best here to explain, my shift.

I`ve shared things here I never thought I would utter out loud, especially to strangers. By doing so I removed the guilt and shame I carried, because I have come to realize the judgement I feared was from myself. I have held myself hostage to fear. Fear instilled in me by others and fear instilled in me, by me.

The what ifs, the how comes; and what for, wheel of anxiety has been dismantled. I started setting boundaries. Firm non-negotiable boundaries. There are a few who test me and those boundaries from time to time to see if I am still holding firm. Spoiler, I am.

I have shared my voice with conviction instead of indecision. Not in a way that is superior to another but in the way that I hold myself in the same regard that I would another. The first few times that came with an apology for having a difference in opinion, especially if that opinion came from experience. Always polite because you and I can have the same experience but have two separate perceptions of the same.

Then I began to notice I stopped shaking and pacing before hitting send. Ok, I still get some jitters, but fear sits quietly now, in a corner, where he once was up and in my face. Anxiety looks at me with hope and a shrug. A smile and a maybe it will be ok but just be cautious and try, ok.

I look at all those things I dreamed of once. Now they are unanswered prayers fulfilling a different story. One where I didn`t suffer what I may have with traveling down those roads. I once dreamed of being an actress, a triple threat. Versatile in my ability to sing, dance and command the silver screen. Lol, I told ya I had dreams. Now I am still a triple threat! I got to sing my songs to an audience; I get to write my story and share and one day I`ll dance again. Maybe even in someone`s arms where I feel safe and float across the floor.

I surely do not know what tomorrow will bring but I do know I have the ability to handle whatever does. That`s the shift, I don`t fear it anymore. I just know I will make it through each day doing the best that I can and that is enough, and enough is everything I`ll ever need.

✨Be the Light