I`m Fine

picture generated in app.

*Please read with a side of satire*

How many times in any given day, week or year have we uttered those words, I`m fine? If you're anything like me, you have robotically said them when casually asked, how are you?

How are you, is usually predicated by Hello, isn`t it. It has become part of the greeting process. Hello, how are you? - followed by- I`m fine or good and you, are the expected/excepted responses we look to hear.

There`s a good chance every man reading this post who hears- I`m fine - come from his spouse knows that things are anything but fine. And every woman who has ever uttered the words I`m fine to her spouse knows it is code for - “Oh this is not fine”, and “I can`t believe you don`t know that dumb ass!” At the very least it is- “I`ll get over it but it will take me some time, and you will know every minute that passes until I do”, yeah, I`m fine!

Honestly, do we really want the truth from the individual we ask - how are you to? Especially if we are greeting someone casually. Even if the I`m fine comes from a friend or relative are we ready to hear more?

I can`t be the only one who has ever uttered- How are you - and then hold their breath as if playing a game of Russian roulette hoping for the- I`m fine- blank return fire, of (phew… lucked out again). This wanted response of- I`m fine- is not because you do not have empathy or care, it is because you know that the question How are you - is cocked and loaded when asked. Because if we truly are seeking to know more past the- I`m fine- we will take you by the hand; look you straight the eyes and ask slowly - How are you, really - until tears or fists start flying and that there be the truth.

I for one, know the temptation when asked the question- How are you, to desperately want to vomit out everything that I`m going through because I`m overwhelmed/frustrated/angry/grieving/depressed/fill in the emotion or in a fragile state of mind dangling close to the edge but instead utter I`m fine as to not be looked upon as burdensome or outright insane. Heck the last thing I want to do is cause a scene or be kept for a 72-hr. hold for losing control of my emotions all because someone innocently asked -How are you- and it frazzled my last nerve. I`m fine, now buzz off.

I`m fine releases the questioner of any obligations to hear, fix or investigate further. It`s politeness regurgitated out of casualness. It`s avoidance masquerading as contentment; the smoke before the fire.

The question How are you, literally irritates the sh*t out of me when presented in a medical situation, and it begins the moment you arrive at an appointment. First by the receptionist, followed by the intake nurse and then the doctor. Two of these three people are going to receive I`m fine. I mean I`m here at the doctors for a reason and if I were fine I wouldn`t have the need to be, right? Isn`t it self-explanatory? I can handle- what seems to be the problem or how can I help you- but-how are you- doesn`t equate. So, I`m fine, is now- I`ll wait until the doctor is here as not to have to repeat myself three times, ok!

Yesterday was one of those days. I had physical therapy, and I was still sore and suffering a low-grade headache from Monday`s appointment. (Pain before gain they say) From the moment I arrived yesterday, I had had no fewer than four people ask me How are you. My answer, it is what it is. I refused to fall into the trap or take the bait. From experience I know I`m fine here gets scribbled in notes as- no complaints. Questioning their techniques is akin to questioning their credentials and their authority granted to them by the certification hanging on the wall. After all they are the professionals.

It is what it is - was safe and followed with - I have good days and bad days and how I have been feeling since Monday`s session.

I am in physical therapy to remain active and maintain some core strength with my complex Atypical Parkinson`s diagnosis accompanied by dysautonomia, (incomplete medical list but you get the point) and their inherent issues. This was a new center I was sent to (why, I wished I had asked but assumed insurance was the cause), and I found myself uncomfortable with the whole feel of this place.

My goodness my living room is larger. There was not the equipment I had seen in the last facility I was at, nor the initial intake exam done. Though they did push me to try acupuncture at a discounted rate (insurance would not cover) I refused not because I have any reserves about acupuncture, I strictly refused because of out-of-pocket cost and by the fourth time being asked I began to get irritated to the point of having some anxiety. I`m fine - meant- stop pushing acupuncture ok!

You see, I was not fine in remaining at a facility that is making me uneasy. Too often many of us follow authority (medical opinions) even though our mind and body say this isn`t a good fit. We doubt our inner voice of concern to pacify the more knowledgeable because they went to school for this or that. Yet this is my body, and I am the one to live with the consequences of decisions you (therapist) make that I may not feel comfortable with. They very well may be a good fit for another and are suitable in their field and still not be suitable for me enough to entrust my care to.

Today, I am still dizzy on/off and have a low-grade headache. My appointment and treatment on Monday started my symptoms and it was exacerbated with yesterday’s appointment and treatment. The deep muscle message and cervical manipulation caused me to see stars, get very dizzy and nauseated. My skin became clammy, and I felt over heated. I had stated that I felt my blood pressure was low due to the feeling I was having of wanting to lay down. My pain level was heightened though my blood pressure was normal (after they asked me what dysautonomia was and had to hunt for a bp cuff when I asked them to please take my pressure) an effect that can happen with dysautonomia. Hence why symptoms may be overlooked while a patient can actually be in distress.

I gained wisdom to advocate for myself after a past pulmonary embolism where the then ER doctor had me breathe into a paper sack for what she said was anxiety and pneumonia and sent home. Yes, that actually happened, and it took another doctor to read the same cat scan; call me to immediately return to the hospital and properly see to my care. Given I was on coagulation therapy from a previous set of bilateral pulmonary embolisms, I had clotted again with multiple embolisms in both lungs, and I was shipped out to a larger facility 3 states away. I was read my last rights and almost died.

(For those wondering, No I didn`t sue) A complaint was filed on my behalf though by a friend with the hospital internally.)

Ever since the pulmonary embolisms and search it took to receive a diagnosis to my condition, I learned to trust how I feel and advocate for myself. A response of I`m fine as not to upset the apple cart is strength in courage I no longer the stomach to swallow.

With that I stepped outside the box of blindly following the presumption that they (this PT facility) knew better than myself and cancelled all remaining appointments.

I had called my insurance and inquired what steps I needed to do so that I can continue therapy where I had once gone before. Those steps have been completed this morning.

I`m hoping that continued rest and Tylenol and fluids will further relieve the dizziness and pain that my neck is in. I am glad I am sticking to my gut feelings and changing facilities even though it meant calling the insurance company (who was surprisingly receptive about the whole issue) and the doctor`s office to request a new referral per insurance requirements to the facility I had gone to before.

Seriously!!

So, how are you? ………. I`m fine - now

✨Be the Light