I Wish I Knew
(One of Three)
My youngest struggles to free herself from wanting to be with him (boyfriend) yet she waits for his call. My heart aches for her and I`m careful not to overstate my opinions. I wish I knew how to say to her that she needs to move on.
“It`s not healthy”, I gently tell her.
I do not push her because it would lead to her defending him one more time. Many have been their arguments that eroded her self-esteem, replacing it with insecurities. I wish I knew how to tell her she is more than what he thinks.
In my mind I scream how unfair and how dare she treat me so poorly since she moved back into the house. Especially after all I`ve done to help her and I am angry. I have become the enemy to lash out at. She`s in turmoil and I am the target to her pain. Then I remember to breathe, and I cry for myself as much as for her. I absorb the hurt because I can`t teach her from that place of anger. I wish I knew how not to feel that pain.
“Good God, she`s so much like you”, I utter to her father`s ghost.
I worry how far into the bottle of despair she`ll dive as she goes out again tonight. How long before she`s able to pick up the pieces to her broken heart? I want to make excuses, and I seek to place blame. I wish I knew why she would allow herself to be treated so poorly.
Tonight, like so many in the past and that lay ahead I wait, I wonder, and I worry… I wish I knew…
This is an old journal entry when my youngest was steep into her addiction and grief. The first of three I will be sharing with permission from my youngest about such a personal, painful time in her life. She feels that if in sharing it could help a person with a problem or a family member who struggles to help while being supportive.
I honor my daughter’s strength in how far she has come and how willing she is allowing that vulnerability show to help someone else.
✨Be the Light within the darkness of someone`s struggle