Homeward Bound
The warmth of the day holds my soul as a mother holds her child to her chest. I am content within the moment to breath, to close my eyes and rest in the safety of her arms. I do not fear what lies ahead anymore. I know without needing to know how I do, that whatever comes is a part of my journey, homeward bound.
Isn`t it funny, what we think is happening to/for us, ends up being totally different than what we envisioned.
When Billy came to stay with me, a little over two years ago, I accepted what I thought my life would entail, having him with me. I allowed myself to grieve before he arrived, what I thought I`d be missing out on or giving up becoming his caretaker. I accepted this path out of love for him.
Then a year ago his health nosedived even further, and I found myself bargaining with God for just 9 more days. (Just Breathe, found on this Substack)
Throughout this past year I have transitioned from acceptance to surrender. I surrendered any thoughts of what I may have wanted for myself, to those of what lay in the moment of everyday. Our bond as brother and sister, which was already quite close, deepened even further. Surrendering my desires of what I thought my ending should look like, I opened my soul to see and hear a different ending.
Bill and I have always traveled through life connected. How foolish was I to miss that our connection wasn`t finished yet. By being with me here, within the safety of home and emotional connection, he healed many wounds within himself. (I did too)
Wounds he barricaded in hurt and stubbornness. He had closed doors to his heart and fought to keep them closed, for the pain of opening them was too great to bear alone. He had burnt a few bridges in relationships before he left our home state. Those that caused him pain or rejection.
He tested me that first year here, not on purpose. He was deeply depressed and felt useless and was afraid I`d fail him too. Could I hold against the outbursts of his fear and hurt that threatened his belief in love? Could I shoulder the storm with him? His outbursts were never physical nor derogatory, just closed-minded stubbornness and “I want everything done the way I am used to”, or else I`m leaving because you don`t care anyway, kind of emotional drama.
Together, we worked on misunderstandings. Those of intention versus what we interpret things to mean. We had two major blow ups that first year. The last one I cried for days. After four days, he apologized. I believe he realized he was pushing me away because of how he felt about himself. There began his healing, and his depression began to lift. We haven`t had a disagreement since. It`s been over a year now. We each look for ways to make the other happy and appreciated.
I broke things down in explanation as many times as he needed until he had a better understanding of what was being conveyed. I did a lot of- “what was your understanding of what was said”. Our mother was also like this. She would focus on one word and not the entire sentence, diving directly to the negative meaning of anything stated.
I learned things about his younger self. Those things that he has done in life that I had no knowledge of. Like his days in the cedar fields cutting trees and stacking wood. I wondered to myself, where I was in those years? He learned to use a chainsaw and that takes some guts.
Dad gave him permission to smoke at ten. TEN, holy crap that made me eight and I never knew. I learned more of what made him, him. Things he thought about and how he thought about things in more detail than ever before.
I listened to him tell me stories of his past. Those things that pained him emotionally and to the things he feared. Billy has a unique way of seeing things and I learned a different view of some things too.
I wish I would have chosen a man like my brother. A deeply compassionate man with a childlike sense of humor. Friendly, charitable, helpful, gentle and a blessing in life.
He is a man of sixty years old, who felt he never measured up because of his learning disability he was born with. Trapped in his own world of understanding wanting to fit in, wanting to be loved just for who he was.
Two weeks ago, the apology came from the man he needed to hear from. A relative who Billy looked to as a father figure after our dad had passed. The rift had formed before he left our home state, and he was determined never to speak to him again. He felt hurt, unseen and undervalued. At first, he wasn`t going to except the apology and I wasn`t going to push him either way. I told him to sit with it, and his heart would tell him what to do.
Billy seems so much lighter, emotionally since excepting our relative’s apology. He feels better for standing up for himself and holding out instead of cowering just to not be the arse in the storyline. I am proud of him in so many ways.
Billy and I have been talking about a plan B, for some time now. Something in place in case I pass before him. It would give him a feeling of security on what would happen to him if I went first.
He sees me slowing down and needing to sleep more in hopes of building up some stamina. He has shown his concern and has been proactive in our decision making. Together we have made the initial steps in what our next move will be, and I will update everyone when we fully launch onto our next path in the journey homeward bound.
November will be a busy month for me. I have therapy 2x a week and 3 MRIs coming up. Add in the holiday season and things can become overwhelming. I find the posting of an article at least once a week a good fit for now. I am still reading, commenting and being as active of a participant here as time allows.
Thank you all for following me on this journey. I have made some great connections and will have those memories to reflect on.
My soul is content.
“As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil. For thou are with me.” (psalm 23)
“For Yours is the Spirit and the Light, forever breathing through me”
👇
(the lost ending to the Lord`s Prayer according to the mystic gospels of the dead sea scrolls)
✨Be the Light
It's strange how we envision our lives going different ways, and sometimes we miss the blessings that the path we are on is giving us.
I love that you were open to traveling the road you were placed on, and especially how you learned that there were great benefits to the many hardships it brought.
You inspire me.
You and Billy both are an inspiration and a reminder to look for, find, and hold on to the good in every situation. 💜💜
It's nice hearing from you. Happy that you have such a good relationship with your brother and you are feeling content.
Best,
H.