At Arm's Length
Let me start off by acknowledging there may be some who disagree with the way I handled things as a parent. I am ok with that. My children, like yours, were not birthed with instruction manuals and I chose to change up some of the instructions of those who reared me, to use. I also was not fond of the Dr Spock`s How To’s of parenting.
The year was 1999, and I was still abled bodied and working. My mother had taken a fall and broke her elbow, and we were waiting for an upcoming surgery that February day. I was frosting her birthday cake when the call that every parent hates came in.
The call was from the high school principal about my oldest daughter. It seems that she had not been completing her assignments, and it was time for a meeting with her teachers and the principal. This was an ongoing issue, and I thought my daughter and I had come to an agreement from her previous 10-week report. I was angry to say the least, besides the stress of moms upcoming surgery and all. I informed the principal I was not available after school that afternoon but would attend the meeting the following day.
When my daughter walked in the door the look on her face was apparent and she knew I was upset. As she started to say something in her defense, I stopped her abruptly.
“We have a lot going on today with mom’s birthday. I advise you to stay an arm’s length away from me tonight, and we will discuss this tomorrow, understand.” I stated matter-of-factly.
Nothing more needed to be said and she went into her room.
Once TJ walked in the door an hour later, we proceeded to my mother’s house, for her birthday celebration. Am, heeded my warning and kept her distance from me that evening. I understand that my warning seems cold or even perceived as if I may strike the child, but I assure you that is not the case. (So, I will continue with the story.)
The following afternoon, after my shift at the plant, I appeared for our meeting. I was greeted by the secretary who led me to a large conference room. As I walked into the room the principal rose to greet me and showed me to the chair at one end of a rather long table. Sitting around this table were at least ten teachers, my daughter and the principal. Things were about to get interesting.
The principal started the conversation directly by saying.
“Ms. Martin did you tell your daughter to stay an arm`s length away from you last night?”
Surprised? I did not hesitate in my response.
“Sure did”, I responded looking him directly in the eye. My daughter slumped in her chair.
“Could you tell us why?” He went on to ask.
“Certainly”, I responded Not once did I gaze in my daughter’s direction as all the eyes in the room were inquisitively staring at me.
“First and foremost, let me tell you that my mother, Am`s grandmother had taken a fall and is awaiting surgery. Yesterday was her birthday and things were very hectic. That combined with the fact that Am and I have had this discussion about her homework. I was upset that I received a call from you but not for the reasons you may think.”
As I began my explanation, I could feel the assumptions taking place in those teacher’s minds. I held no fear of my actions and continued on confidently.
“My issue with my daughter is not about her homework. You will either keep her in detention and/or she will fail her freshman year. Those are the consequences she will face for not doing her work. My issue with my daughter is one of trust. I have specifically asked this child if her homework has been completed. My issue is she lied to me. That is where my anger is and was. So as to not allow my anger and stress level to impact my interaction with her I told her she needed to- yes, stay an arm`s length away, until I could confront the issue rationally.”
That is when one teacher piped in with - “Why didn`t you check her work?”
My answer quick and direct. “She is 15 not 5. I expect when I ask my daughter a direct question, I receive a direct and honest answer. That is where I put my emphasis and the reason for my anger.”
Another teacher chipped in, that they wish they had that kind of control. I took it to mean with their anger. I was not intimidated, nor would I allow myself to be.
The meeting came to an ending with the understanding that my daughter would face the consequences of her actions by being kept in detention and if she continued not completing her work she would fail. I on the other hand would be handling the lack of honesty differently within my home and that her regaining trust with me was between her and I and not the school.
Not a word was spoken as my daughter, and I walked out of the school. Once we got into the car she spoke. She began to explain that the principal had asked her what transpired the previous evening from his initial call. Inquiring on what punishment was doled out no doubt. She had no idea she said he would directly ask me about the statement I told her.
“How`d that work out for you? Did you think I would deny saying what I said?
Whether her intent was to throw heat my way and take some off herself or she honestly told him what transpired matter-of-factly, and he ran with it, doesn`t matter.
The truth is I had not spanked that child since she was four years old. She was 15 years old, and I had left home and was on my own at that age. To me I was treating her as an adult and teaching her that her word meant something. If she could not be trusted to speak the truth, then she would find difficulty in life.
She is soon to be 41 years old, and we have laughed about this incident over the years. Especially when she received a call from her son’s teacher on how he has failed to turn in his schoolwork on time or complete.
She called and said, “I opened my mouth and my mother came out”. We both laughed. “I get it mom”
That is when as a parent you feel you did ok. When they come back and tell you they “get it”. Not everyone will agree with my method of raising my girls. What I wanted to instill in them was trust and truth. That their words mattered and carried weight.
She was held back her freshman year and that lesson taught her. She then went on to graduate and moved into her own place at 19. I am proud of her work ethic and career she chose as a hair stylist. One she began in her junior year and is still doing to this day. She even had a job through her high school days and made her own car payments and insurance payments. Her graduation gift- I finished paying the last eight hundred dollars of her car off.
Have you had similar experiences? Do you think that my focus on honesty rather than her schoolwork was out of place? Would you have done it differently?
✨Be the Light
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Honesty was always an important thing when my kids were growing up. I must be able to trust someone in all areas of life. If someone breaks that trust it takes a while before I can trust again.
Parenting has been quite a challenge because my wife is coming to parenting from a completely different world view to my own. So inevitably I find myself at odds and do my best to avoid underming her parenting in any way. Fortunately on many issues we have consulted which makes for good outcomes. The thing is although as parents we are from East and West, we are not polar opposites but actually compliment each other when consultation takes place.
I can only guess at the insights it brings to my daughter as her society has changed so much from that which we as her parents knew for ourselves when under parental guidance back in the sixties. Mine in England, my wife's in China under the upheaval of the Cultural Revolution.
Our daughter also is definitely not contemplating motherhood.