Afraid to Be Afraid

Stupid and stoic or stoically stupid, I stand on a precipice. I extend myself seeking, praying for a soft landing.

The timeline of fate narrows. In which direction will it flow. Both a beginning, both and ending.

Our time together draws ever to a closure. A contradiction perhaps or a paradox?

In losing him in his transition home, either worldly or heavenly I have mixed emotions. I will miss his presence, his company and our time spent together. Yet, I look forward to time alone to try to extend my own health and existence.

Now, I`m not complaining, just stating what is the reality to the circumstances we each face. The last few months have been the hardest for us both. Competing appointments, and me trying to drum up the strength to keep up with all the household duties too.

Truth is, I`m exhausted. I do my best to hide it, but I know he sees it. And I see how he fails a little more each day.

We have both given each other a scare in the past 2 weeks. He almost went down on me. His legs weak and he was shaking. I threw my back against his back into the chair trying to hold him up with my body while grabbing the walker with a seat, to shove under him. I got him sitting and steady until he gained his strength.

A few days later I almost passed out on him. The room began to spin wildly, and I wasn't sure I'd make it to the couch to lay down. I began to sweat and was very nauseous. He got pretty scared and thought he`d have to call emergency, but I got through it.

“What if they keep you?”, he said.

I was afraid to leave him if I did need to go. So, I laid down until it worked itself out. I am torn between self-care and devotion to him and his care.

Today I go for my diagnostic scopes that will give this suspected cancer a definitive answer.

I have not eaten any solid food since Sunday. I've only been aloud clear fluids. The prep has been completed. My good friend is taking me because I cannot drive after anesthesia. Should there be a reason to keep me, I have friends that will check on Billy.

You see, I can't be afraid. There isn't room for that even though deep down I am petrified. What do I do? Turn on the music and play the songs that bring me to tears yet summon my strength and courage.

One of these songs is “I’m Tired of Being Strong”, by Jelly Roll.

It breaks me every time I hear it. It is my surrender; it's my prayer and it’s my refuge to trust whatever happens.

Wish me luck, it's time to go.

✨Be the Light